Fukuficked the Wrong Way
by ToastedPine
Summary: [Spamfic] RanmaxSM Where Zoicite makes a bid for freedom, Ranma learns an instrument, and love is all around.


Fukuficked the Wrong Way

By ToastedPine

* * *

Neo-King Endymion knew that the Silver Millenium was dead as he locked the door to his special quarters.

Neo-Queen Serenity was gone.

The castle shook, ready to collapse at any moment. He could have escaped but there was nowhere for him to go, not anymore. The only thing left was to spend his final moments with the most important person in his life. Endymion turned on the lights, revealing figures, posters, and various other memorabilia of a handsome pig-tailed man.

The Neo-King touched his cheek against the abdomen of a life-sized granite statue located at the room's center. "Maran Maran, my childhood friend, it seems that our parting was all for nothing. I thought I could save the earth by forsaking you and marrying Serenity. How young and foolish I was..."

Endymion died with a smile on his face, having found solace in the false arms of his beloved friend.

* * *

Flash-forward to the present...

It had occurred to Zoicite that Beryl had become quite unimaginative in regards to her torture practices recently. Even under excruciating pain, her dark lightning was so overused that he'd already gotten bored right after his skin reached its kindling point.

Maybe it was a testament to the power of pure boredom or maybe it was something magical that he could, for the first time in centuries, think past the feeling of his every nerve being violated and look upon his situation with old eyes. The hypnotic pattern of the dark tendrils, bringing back his last thoughts before Metallia's inky oblivion came over him. That's right, he wanted to stop the earth from being just another extension of the Silver Millenium. The earth was different, it had its own way, its own method of living. No matter how much Serenity said she valued culture, the Silver Millennium was, ironically, a creature of destruction. He had loved the earth for what it was and that "feeling," at least intellectually, was coming back.

As the sulfurous stench of his kidney frying cued Zoicite to his torture was nearing its end, a plan began to form. Beryl conquering the earth was against his interests. However, he knew he was nowhere near powerful enough to face her. Even if Kunzite were freed, the odds of victory were steeply against his favor.

"I ask for one more chance to prove myself, Beryl-sama." He struggled to kneel, channeling his desire to return to earth color his voice in such a manner that it lent an element of authenticity to his plea for redemption in her eyes. A wave of power struck him again and he cried out freely when his shoulder struck the hard obsidian floor.

Beryl smirked at his suffering. "Very well, do not fail me again Zoicite," she said before warping him away.

* * *

Zoicite lay in a dumpster, fluids and various other unsavory substances with paste like consistency spread onto his injuries, yet oddly, he felt right. Beryl had made a mistake in underestimating him. No doubt she thought she could put him in his place at will. Power-wise, he was one of the weaker generals, but he was also the general who stood the most for earth and its diversity, its adaptability. His failure against the Sailor Senshi was because he had forgotten his roots, a failure that would soon be rectified. He heard the wheels of the trash collection truck drive towards him, 'perfect.'

A quick drain, memory erase, and dark blessing later, Zoicite was back on his feet. He tallied what he needed for his plan; the energy requirements weren't much, a few hours in the park would be plenty if he took a little here and there, but crafting intricate spells out of the energy was another matter entirely.

"Nothing worthwhile is ever easy," he conceded, before going to work.

* * *

On the third day of his return, Zoicite was finally ready. In his hand was a plain silver wristwatch covered runes the glowed violet before disappearing into the watch's surface.

"Now, for my host." The orange haired general snapped his fingers, red rose petals appeared from above, surrounding him. Gradually, his form shrank and his hair spread all over his body simultaneously. When the transformation was complete, a dog was left in his place. It had a slender, fox-like snout, and a shiny orange coat with white paws and underbelly. On its forehead was the kanji symbol for earth laid in platinum.

The dog appraised its appearance, "I do make one handsome dog, don't I?" Zoicite grinned.

"All I have to do now is head to Nerima and convince a certain someone to join my cause." He had the perfect candidate, too. It had been his job to gather large amounts of energy. Juuban had been his base of operations because he wanted to kill the scouts and gather energy all in one fell swoop. Of course, the only swooping he had found himself doing was when Senshi boot met his proverbial rear. This did not mean he was unaware of a special district where individuals with large life forces began to gather recently. He would have been happy to drain all the martial artists there, but they were largely unknown and reeked of magic. Add the potential for the Senshi attacking him while he was dealing with whatever nasty surprises the martial artists had in store and it was clear why Zoicite preferred not to risk fighting a war on two fronts.

But now, the rules had changed. He needed a giant life energy battery that could be kept safe and hidden until he needed it. Among all the martial artists in Nerima, no one else could fill that role better than Ranma Saotome.

Zoicite looked down at his target from the rooftops; it was easy finding Ranma once he had gotten within range. The sheer volume of Ranma's life energy, even when suppressed, made him a beacon to anyone sensitive enough, and the pigtailed martial artist's control was still rudimentary at best. He quickly summoned a weak youma by materializing a clay figure and touching it with his snout. Zoicite smiled internally, ' Showtime.'

* * *

Ranma was on his way home from school, eagerly anticipating Kasumi's snacks when an orange dog nearly fell on top of him. "What the?" He watched as the dog slid to a stop on its side.

"GUMBY!" He directed his attention towards the shrill scream from the rooftop, and found himself being glared at by goggly red eyes mounted upon a flat, green, humanoid body. It reminded him of a mutant spearmint Juicy Fruit stick which had grown arms and legs.

"Aww, ya got to be kiddin' me!" he exclaimed while it shrieked "Gumby" over and over, though curiously enough, not bothering to attack.

"R-ranma..." the dog said, "I'm a guardian of earth sent to ask for your help."

Ranma leaned down and poked the dog. "So, you're a magical dog huh?"

"Yes." The dog twitched. "Please, the earth needs you."

Ranma thought for a second. "Why me? Can't you ask someone else? I really don't want anymore problems."

"No! It has to be you Ranma Saotome, future avatar of the earth. Only you have great enough martial skills."

"Hmm..." He touched his chin. "It's true that I AM the best, but..."

"Did I mention god-like and good looking enough too?" The dog sweated.

Ranma grinned, for a dog, it had good taste. "You have yourself an earth avatar. What do I have ta do?"

"W-wear this." The dog got back to acting weakened, and it materialized a silver watch set in a black velvet case. "This is a symbol of your pact with the earth. It will grant you the ability to hide your identity from evil and increase your power."

Ranma looked dubiously at the watch. "At least it looks good and ain't some type of girly wand," he muttered and snapped the clasp in place, triggering the enchantment.

"What's going on?" The watch glowed purple and Ranma felt it tug at his soul.

"Follow your heart, it will tell you the words." The dog was on its feet.

He held up the watch. "By the power of the Pantheon!"

Ranma's clothes burst into motes of light, leaving him naked and twirling him thrice for good measure. The lights then recombined into a white tunic beneath long, draping lengths of cream colored cloth wrapped around him to form a long robe. His feet were encased in low-cut tan leather boots with leather straps that crisscrossed half way to his knees.

* * *

Zoicite could barely contain his glee at seeing Ranma's transformation. The spell had worked brilliantly, not only that, he was given a good look at a very prime piece of ass. He stepped forward as Ranma regained his senses.

"Welcome Ranma Saotome... leader of the Toga Titans as Toga Titan Olympus!" Zoicite bowed in a way only a dog could bow.

"The heck, a toga! How do I even know what a toga is! I've never even seen one before." Ranma pulled at the wool draped across his chest. "It itches like crazy... and why don't I have any underwear!"

"GUMBY!"

He glared at the monster at the roof still screaming its name repeatedly and threw a ki ball, obliterating the offending noise-maker on contact. "Shut up already!"

Zoicite nodded sagely, trying his best to keep a straight face-- and not take another peak. "Ah, that's a sign that you were meant to be a Toga Titan. Only the Toga Titan may know the Form of Toga worn by citizens to forums."

Ranma let out a string of curses in response. Inside, Zoicite was rather pleased with himself. The spell he weaved within the transformation would give him a place to store energy without Beryl being alerted, and the spell was basically soul bonded to its user so taking it off would prove extremely difficult.

"What now? I go around defeating those monsters?" Ranma calmed himself-- probably realizing that he was stuck and might as well get it over with.

Zoicite shook his doggy head. "Your mission is to stop the Sailor Senshi."

"Huh? I thought the sailor scouts were good guys." Ranma looked at him suspiciously, "You're not evil are you, 'cause if you are, I'm going to have to kick your ass."

Zoicite smirked internally; the truth was the better lie. "You don't know what the Sailor Senshi truly are, do you..."

And so, Zoicite explained the significance of the silver millennium, how the scouts were here to revive it at the cost of countless lives.

"I knew it, they really are aliens bent on world domination. There's no way anyone human could stand wearing costumes so embarrassing!" The Titan in toga said.

It was a good plan; Ranma would run interference with the Senshi, while he collected energy and hid a majority of it in the transformation spell matrix, bringing back just enough energy to satisfy Beryl until he was ready to strike. With Beryl gone, he would be free to focus all his attention on the Senshi.

The Toga Titans hadn't occurred to him until he had seen Ranma naked. Not only would it be easier to distract the Senshi, he'd be building a harem at the same time! Then he'd lead the world towards the era it was meant for! Life was good.

"Did you just chuckle evilly?"

"Oh don't be silly, I was laughing because I'm happy that you accepted." Zoicite sweat-dropped. He really did have to stop daydreaming about filling the earth with the purity of love between men... for now at least.

* * *

Titan Olympus did his job commendably; the Senshi had a hard time defeating an opponent so sexy they couldn't aim properly. Eventually, Ryoga, Konatsu, Tsubasa, Mousse, and Shinnosuke were recruited as Titan Ares, Aphrodite, Zeus, and Poseidon; Ryouga and Mouse joined when Ranma discovered that the transformation kept him male, Shinnosuke gained the benefit of remembering more while in Titan form, and Konatsu and Tsubasa liked how the togas looked on them.

Zoicite was able to keep gathering energy out in the open by targeting companies that were doing harm to the environment using youma built to resemble Japanese earth spirits. His Titans assumed that they were there for the sake of earth's "retribution" and protected the youma until it finished draining every employee in sight and retreated.

By the time Beryl had uncovered Zoicite's plot, it was too late. He had more than enough power to destroy her. Unfortunately, the resultant battle claimed the rest of the generals.

After Beryl's defeat, the corruption left him and Zoicite's link to earth mana was restored. The former dark general continued to gather energy by draining companies that did excessive harm to the environment, though. No longer able to summon youma, he used earth mana based spirits. People who didn't care about the earth deserved what they got after all, and it provided him with extra energy against the other agents of darkness he knew would come. Following the same line of thought, he judged it imprudent to eliminate the Senshi when they had the Silver Crystal.

However, Zoicite's Plan hit a snag in the form of outer Senshi and their subsequent evolution to higher levels. The Toga Titans barely managed to escape during their last confrontation.

Zoicite knew no other ways he himself could increase the transformations power, but there was hope in the form of the Scottish ley lines. A little investigating showed that it held a significant power matrix at key points. Since Titan Olympus was the source of all the other transformation spells, only Ranma had to be upgraded to strengthen every member of the team.

* * *

Ranma nervously eyed the monolithic slab known as a Standing Stone. "Are you sure this is safe, Zoicite." He asked the orange magical dog.

Zoicite glared at him. "For the last time, Yes! Now pucker up and kiss the rock!"

"But what if it does something weird to the transformation or my curse? And I thought that you have to kiss the Blarney Stone, not whatever this thing is!"

Zoicite finally lost his patience and smacked the pigtailed boy's head towards the hard grey rock.

* * *

Tumbleweeds rolled across the empty shopping district where the Senshi and Titans faced off.

"I don't care how scrumptious you all look, In the name of the moon, we shall punish you!" Sailor Moon pointed at the Titans then hesitated, "... where's Titan Olympus."

'Safe my foot! I'm gonna get that damned mutt FIXED if I ever get my hands on him. I get a brand new getup and I STILL don't have any underwear.' The pigtailed girl itched in places that should've had no business rubbing against wool. She unconsciously straightened her black beret, pulled on her plaid skirt, and re-shouldered her Great Highland pipes. "'e isnnae here, bloody goo if ye dunna wanta get hosed!"

"Never!"

The merry jig of Donella Beaton magically played in the background as she spoke, "Edjit, 'ave it your way, I'm Sailor Bagpipes, fear my bonnie music an' dance ta my Highland Smasher!" Sailor Bagpipes started playing, every note increasing the number of humungous stone slabs that covered the sky.

'Ah crud.' The Senshi thought in unison and would've faced a bloody end had Pluto launched herself towards the Scottish Senshi.

Splash Warm water struck Sailor Bagpipes and the stone slabs disappeared.

"Grrrrrr," Kilt Knight growled. His face was covered in historically inaccurate blue face paint, and he was dressed in a male version of Sailor Bagpipe's costume. It was even more uncomfortable since the kilt barely lengthened to cover his obscene muscle mass and hairy legs. The only upside was that he now had a nasty looking claymore instead of a bagpipe.

Sailor Pluto jumped back, regrouping with the rest of the Senshi.

"A... starlight?" Mars asked, stunned.

"No, it's a curse. Zoicite was able to hide their true identities from me until this latest change broke whatever hiding spell was preventing me from using the Time Gate on them."

Ranma, A.K.A. Kilt Knight maintained his menacing pose. He had hoped to scare them off but the green haired chick knew his identity. There was no other choice, he had to knock them out and have Zoicite erase their memories.

Course decided, Ranma charged. "Freeeedooooooom!"

Then a strong gust of wind blew beneath him...

Somewhere in Africa, elephants trumpeted. Somewhere in Juuban, an entire team of Senshi died from massive blood loss.

End

* * *

Author's Rambling: Fukufic can be roughly translated to "uniform fiction." This is not the official meaning of the concept. A fukufic, according to Josh Temple, "is done purely by the uniform (sailor fuku)." The bear minimum of a sailor fuku involves a choker, bows, pleated skirt, gloves, tiara and high heeled boots.

Queen Serenity never reincarnated Maran Maran. He and Endymion were members of a pop-rock band that Serenity had become a fan of.


End file.
